Paddling

This is something that God has really been showing me lately. Over the past year really.

"It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go – let it die away – go on through that period of death into the interest and happiness that follow – and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time. But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them you will be a poor, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life. It is because so few people understand this that you find many middle-aged men and women maundering about their lost youth, at the very age when new horizons out to be appearing and new doors opening all around them. It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy."

The above quote is an excerpt from a C.S. Lewis book titled "Mere Christianity".

MAN. I love that. It convicts me deeply. I can't help but think of all the times I've started something I couldn't finish. A few people in my life (mostly ex girlfriends, who probably have a little insight) have accused me of being a man who does not commit to anything. Though so many times I've argued against that, I think God's revealed to me that what they said is true.

I'm not going to wait till the very end (partially because I have a lot to say and don't foresee an 'end') to say mention this- Grace. I live my life desperate for it. When I have fallen, or when I have hurt myself and others, I cling to grace much like a nerd to an Xbox controller. I believe that God is just and righteous to forgive us, and Cause us to not to fall into the same traps if we follow Him, confess when we fail, and get back on track. (don't believe me? read Psalm 103:12, 1 John 1:9, Romans 3:24)

But the bigger matter for me currently is the one of being a man with no resolve. Past relationships, ministries, and even life plans have fallen to the wayside because I have been unable to adapt and mature.

When we started our homeless outreach group, my father claimed that I would not be doing it with the same vigor in 6 months. He was wrong. It took me 13 months before the ministry started falling apart.

In both of my "serious relationships" at some point I hit a wall. A wall where I wondered why things felt different, and didn't know how to fix them. In both cases I gave up, became sad and selfish, and pursued things that would be more instantly gratifying, and destroyed something potentially beautiful.

With my life, there have been several opportunities afforded to me, several goals, several priceless friends and countless dreams that did not stand the test of time. I wonder if this is why:

I want what I once had.

I want to feel in love like it was the first time again. I want to experience God with the same intensity that I did when He introduced Himself in my life. I want a job to give me the same sense of satisfaction as when I first started my own business, and financially supported my own life. I want ministry to feel like it did when I got to teach and grow alongside my high school guys of "Man Clan". I reach pathetically and ineffectually towards some sort of heyday that never really was.

I've been paddling, hoping it would feel like the first time.

With any credit for any wisdom being attributed to God, I can say that I am thankful to realize this at such a young age. I have a pool customer, approximately the age of my father, who week after week speaks of his great conquests. from. highschool.

I realize (and if there are areas in your life, I hope you realize as well) that there is no going back. I will never get back what my senses remember as the great first time experiences. But the longer I try, the more I'm missing out on bigger, better things that God has laid out for me. Because really swimming is exceptional in comparison to merely doing the doggy paddle.


So I am determined to work towards the deeper, committed love of God and people, and fully expect God to gift my life with strength and determination to complete His will, and grace to scoop me back up into His arms when I wriggle away. I also fully expect newer, more mature thrills in my life. God, cause me to be a man of substance, and commitment to a cause.


-Your otherwise forever paddling child, Austin